To All The Girls I’ve Ever Loved Before:

I hope that you are ok. I hope that whoever you are with worships you the way that I still do. I hope that they make you feel more beautiful than I ever could, and above all, I hope they make you laugh way more than I ever did.

Cyrus Pavel

“I’ve learned that love is a term too loosely used these days. I’ve learned that when you find something you love, that it doesn’t matter how hard you try to hold onto it if it doesn’t want to be held on to. I’ve learned how to breathe on my own.”
— Cyrus Pavel

That High

They get mad at me when I write about you, but what will they matter to me when they are no longer around and a younger version takes their place. You knew that this would eventually happen, and as much shit as I would give you for continuously bringing it up it is now something that consumes parts of my daily thoughts. 

Asking ourselves questions about the things we want to know more about is how we learn. Asking ourselves questions about ourselves is how we grow. 

I’ll be candid with you because I know that you come here. There is someone that I care about profoundly, not because I like to care profoundly about just anyone, but simply because she makes me smile a lot, and laugh. Up until a few days ago I felt guilty about this happening to me. I felt that I didn’t give you enough time to recover or enough time to break out of your darkness, but I needed that high once again. 

Most people are addicted to something in this construct. Some, well, they are addicted to drugs, and then you have others that are addicted to sex, and then others that are addicted to alcohol, and then you have the pill poppers, and then you have the misery-lovers, and then you have the lovers who are only addicted to love above anything else. 

What if, before we got here, we were all in heaven hanging around and we all knew one another? And, what if, in heaven, we all got to decide who we would fall in love with when we came down? We got to choose the souls that we would love because we already knew that we could love them…

I know that you were a diversion. I know that you were part of this construct’s master plan to throw me off, but I also know that it could never do so because I am way too strong. I guess what I am saying there really is that you were not as strong as I thought you were, but that was not your fault—it was mine. 

Falling in love is the remedy to everything. Forgetting things that no loner exists is the answer I have been looking for. 

Cyrus Pavel

The Serenity of Silence

I don’t want to talk to you about cycles today because what’s really the point? You never listen, and this is exactly why you find yourself in the same exact predicament again. It could be four years later, or four months, it does not matter because it is a cycle. 

I don’t want to talk to you about setting your mind free because what is really the point? You always say that you want to free your mind, but then you go ahead and do ONLY the things you already know. 

I don’t feel like talking to you today about much because I am enjoying the sun on my face and the wind in my ears. I like not having to talk. The serenity of silence is a much appreciated luxury that I love indulging in. 

Cyrus Pavel

The life I live.

That moment when you cross the finish line is better than most moments people have ever had. It’s just like that moment when you hit a grand slam in a playoff game to win the championship, or when you score a touchdown in the final seconds to win a game. Many people on this planet will never know what that feels like, and yet here I am with an abundance of moments like these to relish in. 

I assume that this is the reason why I have been so grateful in my life, or at least part of the many reasons. 

This morning I woke up and thought, for a brief second, that if today was my day to go, I would go with no regrets. 

I have lived a very full life in comparison to most. Sure, I haven’t done many of the things that the elite and top 1% of the world have, but I have done and experienced so much that I feel truly blessed and genuinely fulfilled. 

I driven roads rarely seen in cars rarely touched. I have sailed on oceans and rivieras around the world in elusive yachts mentioned in myths. I have flown to destinations I’ve never even heard of to hang out and party with people I never even knew existed. I have loved some of the most beautiful women on the planet, only to find out that souls are more beautiful.

I have lived a great life, and I am grateful for the life that I still have left to live. I plan on being happy every single day in this life yet to come. I plan on waking up with a smile, all the time, and I plan on never ever feeling like I don’t want to be somewhere because if I do feel that way then I am not living the life that I want to live. 

Cyrus Pavel

“I don’t believe that we get old. I believe that only our routines do.”
— Cyrus Pavel

The kill.

When two energies that are attracted to one another meet for the first time, something happens. That something is determined by how these two meet. 

If two energies, attracted by one another meet under the spell of a third party that will not want them together, then these energies suffer the fate of maybe never seeing one another, in this lifetime, again. 

However, sometimes, the energies are so attracted to one another that it becomes inevitable to hold them back; that even if someone tries, they end up finding one another again, repeatedly. 

Sometimes these energies cannot stand life, in-the-moment, without the thought of one another. Days go by and feel like years until they both lose all reality and sense of time. 

Years go by, and it all just feels like a few albums played in-between instead of the countless days and hours and months that happened. 

I have been blessed in this lifetime to be able to receive every energy that has every intrigued me. Sometimes I have had to play the patient wolf, waiting in the distance until the time is right, and other times I have simply been able to walk away with the hunt in my mouth, spitting it out as I keep scouring these grand plains. 

They say that some hunters remember every single kill they have made in their lifetimes because every kill that they did make becomes a part of them, somehow. I used to recall all of mine, until I realized that whether you do or don’t, it doesn’t define a god damn thing. 

Cyrus Pavel

NYC, NYC.

I love the rawness of New York fucking City. Couples in desperate need of breaking-up coming to near deathblows in front of large windowpanes, thirty stories above ground. “Couples madly in love” could be found through the windows of the sixteenth floor, where she was bent-over over a couch facing you, and he was right behind her, doggy-style, slapping that ass. 

New York City is like nothing else that has ever existed, and it like nothing else that currently exists. 

song playing: Test & Recognize by Seekae

Wandering around NYC at night, I come across many faces that I have seen before, but have never said a word to. Some of these faces are a welcomed addition to an already sunny day, and some I just look at for references to my own age. (While living, I have taken on a habit of not thinking about age; age is irrelevant.)

song playing: City Lights by Dylan n’ Krems

I’ve decided that the best faces to see, old or new, are the ones that seem the happiest. The kind of faces that make you smile from the very moment you see them. The smiles are genuine, the eyes glow with happiness, and the energy is seamless, wherever it moves next. 

Think: Robin Williams. That!, kind of smile, kids. 

I would never change the life I have lived for anything in this world. I wouldn’t trade my father for yours, nor would I trade him for Jesus Christ himself because if it weren’t for my dad, I would not exist right now.

I would never change the life that I have lived so far because it has been one amazing, fucking, riiiide. I wouldn’t change it up at all because I love everything and every one in it. Yes, my life, to me, is the entire world, but isn’t that the way that it is for you, too? Don’t your friends, and YOUR family members belong to you? Isn’t everything that you do, mostly done for yourself? Don’t worry, most of ours are too. 

I love my life because it showed me NYC. A town full of hopeful people that can change the world better than anyone else can. People that care a little more than the Average Joe about details. A town where ‘symmetry isn’t necessarily what makes perfection, and that perfection doesn’t always exist in symmetry’

Cyrus Pavel

F I N. 

song playing: Devil May Cry by The Weeknd (Fabich & Ferdinand Weber Edit). 

“I told her that I wasn’t even playing a game. That me hurting her was a by-product of her inconsistency, and that when left alone to my own mind, I am only human. That’s the thing about being human. We are vengeful even when we pretend that everything is alright.”
— Cyrus Pavel

The Consistency.

I’ve been meaning to talk about consistency for some time now, but I hadn’t found the ample time that it would take me to do so, until now.

Keep up because there are a few things that will be going on as I type away.

I personally write to learn. I write because writing down what I learned for the day is the best way for me to remember it. I write things down after I spend time meditating on what I’ve learned because it is how I start to put the ideas into practice.

Each and every single day I learn new things. I learn more about humans and humanity. I learn more about myself and my friends and family. I learn more about politics and the way politics work because these systems are driven and ran by humans, so I learn more about the inner workings and ideologies behind them. I learn more about religion, and more about programming. I learn more about habit, sciences, love, and you,

One day, someone came along and asked me why I have never been able to be in a faithful relationship, and my response to that was: consistency

con·sist·en·cy kənˈsistənsē/

noun 1. . the way in which a substance holds together.

I am a substance because all matter is substance, right?

Each and every one of us has different needs. Each and every one of us has things that will hold them together that can be so different than even a twin sibling’s could be. What holds you together, in place, can be the complete opposite of what holds someone else together, in place. Am I making some sense here? 

I have never been able to be faithful in a relationship because I have not found someone who is consistent. A girl, or a woman, who is consistent in her emotions. A girl, or a woman who is consistent with me every single day. Sure, I’ve heard the saying that women are emotional, but what does that have to do with consistency towards me

On another note, let’s just say that you want to change your body up from whatever it is now; whether that be fattening up or slimming down. If you do not provide your body with the consistency it needs to achieve these goals, then you are living a delusional fantasy. 

What is so hard about consistency? 

Someone recently told me that what I am searching for is impossible to find, not knowing that I am a firm believer in the phrase that impossible is nothing. I don’t think it is impossible to find, and I believe that I can find it out there, whenever I do decide that I need it, but if you were able to dive deep inside of me and see where I have been, then you will see that I have been alone from a very young age already, and that solitude is something I embrace. 

Until a girl, or a woman can provide consistency with me, that will be the day that I won’t even feel like looking somewhere else for the consistency I need. 

Cyrus Pavel.

“The traveler sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he has come to see.”
— Gilbert K. Chesterton

Drive to the Ocean

It’s weird to hear from you when I least expect it. No dreams of you, no thoughts of you, no wondering how you are, and BAM! there you are. 

I’m indifferent to you because I have too much going on right now, and I have no interest in being sucked into a space where everything is black again. Sure, in space, everything is black, but there are stars and moons, planets and comets. With you, there is just darkness. 

When I wake up, I wake up happy. The sun seems to ALWAYS be out, and I like it that way. The only other thing that would make me waking up everyday more perfect, would be to wake up next to the ocean. 

Cyrus Pavel.

Any Happier?

I’m terrible at breaking hearts.. I have tried it over and over again, and I just can’t seem to ever find the words that I know I want to say. Instead, my heart and soul take over the recitals in my head, and they force me to say other shit I never even knew was in me.. 

Years ago, I realized that a heart with duct tape on it was just a heart that had once been torn apart. Nevertheless, a resilient heart that had decided that it was better to continue living than to be left alone for dead. 

Anyway, these days, it is hard for me to tell girls that I have a deep interest for, that they should move along with their own lives and fulfill their goals as ladies. Rather, I find myself falling in love with the most beautiful hearts anyone could ever know because who else loves to love the way that I do? 

Y despues comienza la cancion de Enrique. La que se llama, “El Perdedor”. And then, I look at the hearts that I am terrible at breaking, and I fall more in love.. so #FML. 

Just a few hours ago, I had dinner with some of the people that I would want to have dinner with if I knew my last day on Earth would be tomorrow, and although Hec and Six were missing, I could not move along any happier. 

Cyrus Pavel.