About what’s real.

As a writer there’s often a battle in my head about writing about the things that are real and exist to me over fantasy and fiction. My writing started as a way for me to reflect on my own life and learn from it. Writing about things that life has taught me has been a way for me to never forget the lessons learned in my life, but also a way to pass them along to my friends. 

Sometimes my ideas may seem idealistic, but they are simply meant as a blackboard of some sorts for me to repeat the lessons to myself in order to never forget them. 

Writing about love is a way to bring a reality to you. It is a way for me to connect with the rest of the world in some way. 

Sometimes, we may not feel as if we connect with the rest of the world around us. We dress differently, love different kinds of music and movies, we see the beauty in things that others completely overlook, so we feel alone in our own heads with only the other little voices in there from our childhoods to talk to from time to time. We’re silly and we know it, but would the rest of the world think we are just flat out crazy if they could hear what we do? What defines crazy any ole way? 

To write about the things that happen in my life and to write about what was learned from them is the only way that my life, mind, body and soul continue to grow, so stopping that is not an option. 

Just some reflection into my mind this morning. That’s all. 

Tell Ya Tomorrow.

We meet people and after a first date some of you start to imagine yourselves with them for the long run. Kids, vacations, a wedding, breakfast in bed, dinners, walks, swimming pools and oceans. Who programmed us this way, and why? 

Why don’t you take the time to get to know the real sociopath you are dating rather than rush everything. Fine, I know that calling everyone a sociopath is a bit harsh, but what happens when that is exactly who you are faced with? 

Even when we meet someone nice, do we tell them the truths about us? We should. 

How can I know you if you don’t show me who you really are? Right? 

6-8 weeks is how long it takes for me to lose interest in things. Do you want to know why? 

Maybe I will tell you tomorrow. 

Cyrus Pavel. 

Closer

I’ve ignored her emails because she is in town and I don’t need the energy. Looking back, even though I shouldn’t do so, look back that is, I feel that my gut instinct of her creating her own hells was spot on. Her desire to feel alive driven by darkness instead of light. Where I would skydive or ride a roller coaster, she would probably contract ebola nowadays instead. Get what I mean? 

My need to feel alive only comes when I’m depressed, and I rarely ever get depressed. In fact, I can only recall one instance when I was truly ever depressed and thought about suicide, and I was probably about 3 or 4. Had I known any better I would have never had either the thought, nor the depression because life is too beautiful. 

Fine. I get it. I love life and maybe some people don’t see it the way that I do, but I still want no parts of that dark shadow that lurks over her. 

It’s crazy to me how such a bright and beautiful smile can host such dark and stormy clouds right over it. 

Someone asked me yesterday if I missed her. At first, I thought no because she is not the person that I fell in love with at all. Then I though to myself, ‘No. I don’t miss her because my life now is full of so much non-darkness’. 

To brood over things that you have no control over is to waste time and losing life for no good reason. I’d much rather laugh all day and run in the wind.

Cyrus Pavel

All That You Can Be.

The more I look back at certain relationships there more I realize that I always knew, spot on, when a girl was lying to me or even when what she was saying was off. I knew if she was the kind of person that drama always followed, and that thrived off of drama. I assume that this is the reason that it never worked with some of them because I am the farthest thing available to drama whenever it comes to me, specifically for or with a girl.

I was taught to respect girls and fall in love with them. I was taught that if you two live together and go through a break up, that you as a a man leave. That you carry all the luggage when you travel together. That you take all the grocery bags and boxes up the stairs. But, I was also taught that girls, like boy can be conniving, and so you must always trust your gut when it comes to things of a nature that we do not understand. 

How many times have you looked at the person you are with and realized that you know nothing about them? How many times have you felt resentment, or their resentment for suppressing who you both are for what you believe each other wants you to be? 

Cyrus Pavel.

Kids Forever

I’m going to be a kid forever. I’m not going to care about the past because I can’t even remember it. I’m not going to concern myself with the future because who really knows what it holds? If you do, then please send me the lottery numbers, thanks. 

I’m going to wear colors that are bright because they are my favorite, and hats that are strange because I like to look funny in them. I’d rather make you laugh than make you cry. I’d rather tickle you than hurt you. Understand? 

I’m going to be excited every single time we go on a road trip or hop on a plane, no matter where we are headed. Sure, I might be scared of the super tall roller coaster that we are about to jump on, but I am going to shut my eyes, trust you blindly, and laugh at how scary it was as we make the line to go on it again. 

I’m going to dive into the snow and roll down lushes green hills. I’m going to use the Tarzan swing into the lake and dive off the boat as it keeps moving. Don’t worry, I won’t die because I will have the fearlessness that all kids do, and because you will be right there in case I need saving. 

I’m going to color with crayons every time I see them because what else do you do with crayons, and why would anyone ignore something so cool? 

I’m going to leave my shoelaces untied and my hair a mess because: who cares? 

I’m going to blush when someone compliments me, and shy away when your kisses touch me, but I will secretly crush on you after doing so, for a very, very long time. 

Cyrus Pavel. 

“That NYC Autumn Musk that I love so much. The kind where the wind blows really coolly, but it’s so light that it feels more like whispers than wind; whispers that carry the scent of wet leaves and dew on grass, and sometimes blow a bit colder to remind us that winter is on her way.”
— Cyrus Pavel

The Split.

Sometimes you say that you are done, but then you are off again to another part of the world and it looks like it is on. 

Sometimes you say that you hate something only for the world to watch you embrace it days later. 

Sometimes you say you are over something, only for us to watch you continue to climb it. 

The split is your personality; the things you claim versus the reality that you show us. 

When will you take accountability for your own actions and realize that you are solely the problem? 

When will you realize that that battle inside of your head that you have been having between selfishness and kindness is real? When will you finally stick it through with something instead of running away from it? 

Seems to me like never; not as long as you are still stuck in the split. 

Cyrus Pavel.

In Love with You

I don’t even know what you are like, but I am in love with you. I have only seen you in pictures, but can I really believe that is enough for me?

I have seen girls before from a distance that I have fallen in love with too, and then I have somehow managed to find myself in some sort of relationship with a few. I have found out that most things are never what they appear to be because we make these movies up in our head about how these people are. In our movies, these people are perfect: they kiss perfectly, they’re perfectly affectionate at all times, and they stare at you with perfect eyes. 

Too many times I have come to realize that the truth about who people are is so far from what I expected that I have stopped expecting anything. 

Maybe that is why today I find myself in less foolish scenarios with more grounded individuals.

Cyrus Pavel

Trust me?

I dreamt with a little girl that I have never seen before. I can almost make out her eyes, but the rest of her face is a blur. I can see her little hands because I held them as I tried to get her to safety from the windowsill she was hanging from. I had to pass her along to my mom in a window next to mine. The dream turned into a nightmare afterwards and I will spare you all the details, but I learned that my subconscious doesn’t trust my mom, which is actually something that I already knew. 

They say that trust is a unicorn because it is just a theory. It is an idea formulated to control. It isn’t that it’s such a bad of an idea, but it just isn’t realistic unless you trust foolishly. 

Trusting foolishly isn’t bad either, nor is it as bad as it reads. It is defined as trusting someone regardless of the outcome because the outcome doesn’t matter to you since it will not affect you either way. Basically, not caring enough to trust that you trust anyway. 

I think that is more of a realistic approach to trust than the one we put huge expectations on in relationships, and I’m not only talking about relationships with lovers, but also with family. 

You see, trust, in theory, is a 100% type of thing. You either trust, or you don’t. There is no such thing as "I kind of trust you", or, "I trust you sometimes.". No. It does not work that way. In order for trust to be trust it must be full and complete trust one hundred percent of the time. 

Saying that you trust a friend with your car or your money, but not with your boyfriend or girlfriend is saying that you don’t actually trust your friend at all. Do you understand why? 

Trust is a myth that only fools believe in, but since ignorance is bliss then it is something that you can actually die with. To trust is to tell the world that you are a positive person, and that your positivity throughout life will afford you a very happy one. 

Trust is for our own selves to hand out and decide upon. NEVER let anyone tell you or ask you to trust them. You are not that cheap. 

Cyrus Pavel. 

Each Day Count.

Last night was fun. It was a night full of friends and laughter, grilled cheese sandwiches and hot dogs. It was a time full of new smiles to meet, old voices to put faces too, and more laughter. It was a night full of camera worthy moments and NYC musk. Last night was a blast. 

Moments never seem to lose their worth with me. Where one kiss ends another one begins. Where one heart becomes broken another starts to heal. 

I give thanks almost daily for this life that I love in such a magical city. 

I mean, got everything I need right here with me. Got air in my lungs and a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love wakin’ up in the morning not knowin’ what’s gonna happen or, who I’m gonna meet, where I’m gonna wind up. Just the other night, I was sleepin’ under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people…I figure life’s a gift, and I don’t intend on wasting it. You never know what hand you’re gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you…To make each day count. —Jack Dawson, Titanic

Cyrus Pavel. 

مختلفة

A bomb goes off in a city, but it isn’t Tel Aviv or Istanbul. A man gets beheaded, but it’s in the states rather than the middle east. A busload of children gets killed, but it happens to be somewhere in South America, and an Ebola patient dies, but again it’s right here in America. 

Our lives across the world aren’t so different.

A guy breaks a girls heart and she cries in so much pain thinking that she will die from this heartbreak until she doesn’t. A girl breaks up with a boy and he jumps off of a bridge in order to profess his true love to the world. 

We live such different lives in such different cities, but how different are they really? 

A musician struggles to be a working part of a city as the poet writes from his home. The banker walks to a financial district daily, and the baker bakes; the waitress waits and the bartender tends bar. The priest leads his church as the publicist works her magic. A doctor saves a life all before her lunch, and the landscaper mows the green grass that seems to be green in every corner of the world. 

We live in the same world, how different do we really think we can be? 

Cyrus Pavel. 

The 3:05 to 3:40 from LA to SF.

She kept turning back to look at him as if knowing that once she left he would continue with his life. Inside, she wanted him to shut off and go into sleep mode the way her servant robots did at home, but she knew that this was a silly thought. 

3:05 to San Francisco is now boarding”, buzzed the announcement message across her iPhone X. She kept walking towards the first class section of the pod until she had to go in one of its doors. She took her last look back at him and a tear rolled down her cheek. She managed to catch the tear with her lip and hide it from plain view. 

He stared at the pod in the hyperloop as its doors shut, and he could not help but to feel as if she was headed a planet away. 

As the pod blasted off, he could feel something being sucked out through his stomach. Maybe it was his soul, or maybe it was just his heart. He knew that this would change everything, but he still kept hope locked somewhere in between his heart and common sense, for we all know common sense when we feel it. 

Cyrus Pavel.